Final Countdown

Jeanie, insisted that I get in my dress, meanwhile the mother of the groom was not present. She was driving a drill up my butt. To add worse to worry, I was unsure that this dress would fit. The former visit to my families, was not a smart move. I ate more rice than a village of chinese people. Plus, I had my plastic adhesive boob cutlets...you know...ahem...to lift and fluff. Everything about me was “fake”! My hair. My makeup. My eyelashes! My boobs! What a flop! I was truly dissapointed in myself.

Honestly, I loathed my make up!! I could scream from the top of my lungs. My foundation was cake. My eyes weren't compelling, on the contrary, it was boring. I was browless. My lipstick color was nude. I was very blah! I was contemplating on rinsing this schlack off my face and start all over. Why didn’t I just do it myself? I’m damn decent with makeup. Grr. I’m a lot better than this so called "artist".

Back to the game plan, the three bridesmaids struggled to squeeze me into the dress. No one could figure out the straps, zippers and gadgets. "We can't zip it!" Chris replied. I quickly plunged my hand down my chest to rid myself of these silicone boobs. I couldn't stand them anyway. They were driving me nuts! The dress zipped snug. Phew. I was afraid. Very afraid that this sausage casing of a dress was going to tear at the seams!

“Hurry, hurry!” Jeanie began to rush incessantly, “the guests are seated in the hot sun and the groomsmen are waiting.” Um, that’s why I bought Chinese parasols and fans you jackass? Fuck the groomsmen! Should I fake a nervous breakdown just to buy me some time? Nah, I didn't have the drive for that type of drama, besides I was ready anyway.

So I rushed down on heels. I know, how retarded! Heels in sand, what a mental concept. Hey, the sand was a scorcher and I wanted to look a smidge taller for the "photos". There I go again on the photo binge. I strolled by the reception tent with the red Chinese and Japanese lanterns. It looked cool! The bartenders and the servers wished me well. The guests sipped their guava mimosas.

So let's get this accident on the road!